It's been a few weeks now, since I was led to a site that has blessed me so much, and that has shown me my own shortcomings. It is called GODVINE. A lot of people are on that site asking for prayer and sharing their stories with those who are on that site. I feel I was led to that site for a reason and I'll try to describe my feelings both before and since I joined.
There was a person on this site that has a small child. This little boy was born with several birth defects, one of which was that his eyes didn't form and he has no vision. He had a cleft lip and I believe he had to have some sort of surgery when he was just a few days old. People use to stare at him when his Mom took him out. Now he plays and coos like any normal little baby does and when they go out, if people stare at him he seems to know and starts giggling. They giggle back and talk to the Mom about "what's wrong with your baby?" They have become examples of humility to me. I feel like I was lacking this humility in my own life. Perhaps I came across as judgemental without realizing it. I apologize to anyone that felt that way too.
I am not here to pass judgement on anyone. I am a sevant. I am here to serve and I was lacking the humility I needed to accurately represent what Jesus is to me. I hope to fix this part of my daily life and be the humble servant GOD would have me be.
There are so many in need. So many people hurting. We can all find something in our lives to rejoice about. I for one have a wonderful husband and a wonderful family. I have had the love I needed that allowed me to function in society for years and hold down good jobs and help support our family. I ran into trouble once, and created a lot of anxiety for myself and my family. I was brow-beaten and mocked and made fun of because of my disability and people didn't believe I even had a disability to begin with. I am SCHIZOPHRENIC. There, it's out for the world to read. I am not perfect in any way, and I have had this disease apparently since birth. Sometimes I can get along on less medication, but I always end up going back to the med's because that keeps my body in line with my emotions and thoughts. It is not a fun disease. It's a very serious, very debilitating disease, and it comes out of nowhere and makes your life a living hell. It's deceptive. It can form out of nowhere seemingly, but it can destroy your peace of mind so quickly.
After reading the many stories on GODVINE and having been hospitalized once with this disease, and saw the many who are affected by it and other mental disorders, I realize how fortunate I am to have the good Doctor's I do, and to have the medications that are effective for me. There are many whom the medications don't help. I have known remission for about a month and only had to take a small amount of medication. But then it begins to make itself known again and I have to go back to taking the med's. It may not show on the outside, but it is there none-the-less and it eventually takes over if you don't take the medication. On top of that, I had a heart attack at 43. I had 7 blockages in my heart, and one was 70% closed off. They told me part of my heart was dead. It was very scary. I was in pain for 3 days before they realized it was a heart attack. I was given muscle relaxers in error, because the pain presented in my back between my shoulders. No one would have suspected that it was my heart. Then 3 days later I was still in a lot of pain and my son was rubbing my back trying to help and finally he called 911 and the ambulance came. They didn't know what it was either, but they took me to the hospital anyway. After I was admitted, they did an EKG and immediately began treating my pain with morphine and something that broke up the blood clot in my heart.
I was in intensive care for 8 days and in DOU (Direct Observation Unit) for 4 more. They wanted to do an angiogram and I was afraid. I watched the procedure on the hospital television and once I saw what they would do, I wasn't afraid of it as much and agreed to do it. They took me to SCRIPPS Hospital in La Jolla and did the angiogram. That's where they found the blockages. They told me that if the one that was 70% occluded became even moreso, they would have to do open heart surgery. With the proper medication, doctors, and diet changes and all the rest of the things you have to do, I now have no blockages and my new cardiologist said that no part of my heart is dead. I believe that GOD works through his children to help us help one another. I am so fortunate to have never had another heart attack, and am now on a medication that helps to prevent me ever having another one. I come from a family that died very young from heart disease and I am able to say I have lived 22 more years without incident. GOD has been good to me and that's a story I haven't spoken about on here yet.
GOD is good. He is a healer, provider, loving father and a guiding light to all those who call on Him. He never promised any of us a rose garden. I have had to work hard to keep my sanity, hard to have a healthier heart than I had when I was diagnosed with heart disease, and I have beel blessed with an additional 22 years of life. I don't know when the end will come. I just want to have good memories with those I love to look back on should I be the first to go. We haven't experienced this type of loss in our own family yet. It will be devastating when we do because we are all so close. But in the meantime, I will go out with those I love and enjoy this beautiful earth that GOD so generously created for us all to enjoy, and I will make memories with those who love me to look back on fondly. I am blessed with a wonderful husband, and 3 wonderful children, and 7 grandchildren. I have a lot to do and to contribute to these people. They are my life.
So you see, I have a story too behind the things I have posted so far. I am so blessed and it has been shown to me that there are so many so much worse off than I am. I just wanted to serve GOD and help others to find this loving presence in their lives too. He is there for everyone. Not just a few. If other's can suffer with dignity, so can I. I am not suffering though, because I am surrounded by loving people, and I have learned a lot about a disease that affects so many. There are so many I can help. I have a lot of insight into this disease, and readily recognize it without having to go over the edge of reality to have it brought home to me yet again, that it is still here and will be until I die and go home to GOD. But at least I know it when I see it and can avoid the consequences of not taking the medications prescribed to me.
So, if I have come across as anything but helpful, I am here to say I am sorry. I want to be humble like our Lord Jesus and be loving and kind and generous. He has said in His word, that the servant is not greater than his master. If they ridiculed Him, they will ridicule me as well. If they hated Him, they will hate me as well. He is the masterbuilder. He is the one that works the miracles. I am a vessel for His use. I have no power of my own, only what I draw on from GOD.
You can do it too. You can have a meaningful life, and be of service to many. We are all here to help one another. "Love Ye One Another, even as I Have Loved You!". I hope only to express love here, and guidance. Hence what the sight is called: "A Light In the Night". I am only here to shine the light on God, not me. He is all, and in all. You are no exception. Know you are loved and that He is here for all of us. He is truly pure Love. I wish you only the best. I hope you draw something good from these posts. That's what I do them for.
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