Ah mankind. If you only knew the treasures that only God can give! I am a country gal, born and raised in West Virginia. I lived in the little coal mining town of Ameagle which is all forest now. I lived there until I was 8 years old, knew nothing of the big world outside our little town, and was oblivious to things like kidnapping, molestation, and murdering little children and throwing them in a deserted part of the country. I never experienced any of that and my family life was calm, though poor. My parent's disagreed on some things, I am sure. But the real trouble didn't set in until we moved into the city and my grandmother lived with us. My Dad and my grandmother didn't get along, (she was my Mother's mother).
The quest for material posessions in the coal fields was not apparent. My Mom did get a new stove, a necessary item, and my grandmother helped us out with clothing and extra food from her brother-in-law's restaurant on the weekends, when she'd come bearing gifts for everyone. My Dad had moved into her house after he and my Mother were married. My grandmother's husband had recently passed away, and my Dad had been drafted into the Navy and spent 3 years away during WWII. When he came back, he moved into my grandmother's house instead of getting a place for himself and my Mother. Grandmother was a very outspoken woman, and had no patience for my Dad. Her husband had been a very strong man, foreman of the mines he had worked in since he was 6 years old. His lunch bucket dragged the ground because he was a child. He brought water to the miners. But he stuck with it because that's what one did in the coal fields. His oldest son Earl also worked in the mines when he was old enough, and my Dad did too after he was out of the Navy. In the coal fields, life was hard. I remember things like washing our clothes out by hand, and then my grandmother bought a washing machine and it sat out on the back porch where they did their laundry. They had to put the clothes through a balloon wringer and once my grandmother's hand and arm were accidentally drawn into the wringer and she had severe bruising. Then they would hang the clothes out on a line, even in the dead of winter. They didn't have the fancy things we have today, but I didn't know we were poor. In spite of sometimes having nothing but oatmeal for 3 meals a day, I was quite pudgy and I don't remember being hungry. My grandmother took up the slack and would make lightbread rolls, homemade fried apple pies, and sometimes fried potatoes. There was a time when the people from my parent's church took up a collection and filled our back porch with groceries. They did that for more than one famliy back there. I attended school in an old wooden school house, and I walked to school no matter the weather. Maybe that's a story other's have told their children, and it's the absolute truth. We didn't worry back there; we were safe in our little town.
Then, one day the mines closed down. I wasn't old enough to realize why or what that would mean for the folks living there. One Sunday I was reading the funny papers and I overheard my Dad and Mom talking in the kitchen. My Dad said we'd have to move to Huntington and that he would go there first and find us a house to live in. He didn't have a job yet, so I don't know how they managed that. But he did find a little 2 room house, a red one, and the process of moving became a reality. We moved in, but soon realized it was going to be far too small. My Dad and Mom went looking, shortly thereafter, for a bigger house, and they found one. A little white house, with 2 floors, and a huge kitchen and a living room. All the bedrooms were upstairs and a bathroom on both floors I think. Anyway, my Mom always referred to it as the Dial House, which was the man's last name that owned the property. I took the bus to school. My brother was 5 and I don't remember where he went to school.
We had no car, except my grandmother's, but she worked and lived in Charleston with her mother and family for a while. My father found a job selling vacuum cleaners door-to-door. He wasn't trained for much. He couldn't use his Navy skills, or his mining skills. He had to take what he could find. Soon we moved to Charleston and my grandmother moved back with us. The fighting was kept to a minimum, I don't remember much about them then. We lived in a house on a very high hill and I still walked to school in the freezing cold. There was a TV in this furnished house we were renting, and we watched a lot of TV shows for past time. Later on we moved back to Huntington and we moved several times after that and I don't really remember why. Then the fighting between my grandmother and my Dad began and my Mom would just stay mute and not get involved. She was dominated by her Mother, and had been as a child too I guess. She was her Daddy's girl and he had passed away just before my Mom conceived me. She grieved for him for many years. Then my Dad began having seizures. Pent up emotions probably didn't help anything. But my homelife began to be quite a terror for all of us. I hated the seizures, was afraid of my own father, and just tried to stay out of the way.
After all the moving, it became clear to my parents that my Dad would have to go back into the Navy to make a decent living for his family, and so he did, and we moved out of state to Virginia. Alexandria to be exact.
They began collecting things like TV's, and so on, new furniture, clothes, the things everyone had way before we did. But it got so they were never happy. There was always the next thing, and the next. They had already stopped going to church. They professed to believe in God, but our homelife just got worse and worse. I tried to ignore it and just do well in school. I liked Alexandria and I was able to take field trips to Washington D.C. from the school I attended. We saw many interesting things, like the White House, the Pentagon, the Jefferson Memorial, the Washington Monument in the city not too far from where we lived. I was happy and just concentrating on my own life.
We moved many more times, and my Dad always seemed distant to us. He wanted to be a writer. He wanted to preach. He wanted to be noticed, respected, well-paid, and so on. He never seemed to find what he was looking for. In later years, they bought a house, and were doing fairly well for themselves. The Navy became my life. We moved so much and I had attended 15 different schools by the time I graduated. The point of all this is, it doesn't take things, money, fame or any of those things to be happy and fulfilled. I had always concentrated on one thing as something I'd like to see in my future.... my own family. During the time we were moving so much, I began to get heavier and heavier. I was miserable when we moved to Kodiak, Alaska. I had been in a wonderful school with prospects of going to a brand new high school in the fall. I was active in the band and went to all sorts of concerts, and won awards. I was to be in the band again at Princess Anne High School, and had trimmed down to a size 10. I was happy and looking forward to my new life at a new school. But, one day my father came home and told us to pack because we were moving to Alaska. I was very sad.
When we arrived on Kodiak, I knew I had landed in outerspace. I hated the very sight of it from the begining. The next 3 years would be a trial. I survived it all somehow, but there were many fights over things and money and my grandmother and no one ever seemed truly happy. The only time our home was peaceful was when my Dad was at work. No fights, no throwing dishes, no seizures to deal with. This all seems so unrelated to the title of this posting, but their desire for more money, better houses, new furniture, better clothes, a new fur coat, money for this and that and fighting filled my life. It was disasterous. God seemed farther and farther away from us as a family. I knew at 15 that if anyone could set a good example for my brother and sister, it was me. I don't know how I knew, but I attended church with my grandmother on Sundays, and became a member of the Guild Girls that was a church oriented group of young teen's that would meet in the basement of the church once a week and make dinner together and pray together. I attended camp for a week at Woody Island with all the kids from Sunday school that wanted to go. I grew close to God, tried in my way to serve him, and got my best friend to accept Jesus as her Savior. I counted for something with someone warm and loving for the first time in a long time.
After 3 years, we left the island and moved to California. That's where they bought a house. I attended school in a new school in Chula Vista, and my father went overseas. He was gone for 9 months and there was peace once more. My Uncle passed away in November, and my grandmother flew back east for the funeral of her eldest child. She moved to Florida for a while and lived with one of her brothers. It was only Mom and the kids for 7 months. And so went my life, moving to new places, new experiences, most of them bad, and listening to the fighting between people who were supposed to love one another. I don't know what happened to my parents, but the quest for more things drove a wedge between them and my dad never got the recognition he so desired. Eventually he left Mom and became an alcholic, got himself thrown out of the Navy, and abandoned all of us to our fate. Eventually I found work, bought a car to get to work in, and did the best I could to be that role model my brother and sister needed. At one point I took care of my Dad's responsibilities until I became ill and ended up in a psychiatric hospital. Too much strife? Too many shattered dreams? Or was it fate? Who knew. For years I struggled to get well and carry on with my life without the support of a loving family. Is this what cravings do to you? Make you unloving and bitter and miserable? Do you tell each other you wish the other one was dead so you could pursue your own selfish desires? My parent's had. And then, I moved out on my own finally. I had got well to the point of being able to leave the hospital on my own, and I walked the 5 miles to my Mom's house. I wasn't well by any means, and had many difficult times, but I was strong because God was in my soul. He had come to me in Kodiak when I really needed a friend. Jesus came and He never left, although at times I was sure He had. I decided all I needed was someone to love me and accept me the way I was. I still wanted a family. Still wanted cihldren, but at 28 I decided all that was behind me. I settled for working till I could retire and then live until it was time to die. Not a very bright future.
But God had other plans. He had looked into the heart of this child, forgotten and abandoned by loved ones, and He brought out of the chaos a wonderful man just for me. He has given us 3 sweet and smart kids, and a home, and a good husband to take care of me. I have all I ever wanted. I was able to work for years and help my husband with the money we needed for our family. We moved several times, and always to a better place. Now I am retired, we have 7 grandchildren, and my husband has a good job that pays him well. We all share when there is extra money. No one goes without, and no leaves to pursue a different life, or fame, or more money, or more cars. We have the peace that god gives and there is no fighting and throwing things. We don't wish one another dead. I have come out of a dark and vicious illness and am able to really enjoy all the life has to give. I am free, because God has set me free! He gives us the strength to carry on in the dark of night. We face many things in life, some of them devastating, some filled with sorrow. But He never leaves us. Even when we have lived selfish lives, have abandoned those who need us, and have sought the things of the world. He still cares, is still patient, and still has the answers we so sorely need. These posts are about my life, because God has given us beauty for ashes. Both my husband and I had difficult times, and we carried on alone at opposite sides of the country. Who could have known we would meet, fall in love, and make the family I had always dreamed of? We nurtured each other, were the parent figure at times for each other, because the parent figures in our lives were almost non-existant. But those things are behind us and have been for years. This post has been extensive, because I had a story to tell. Maybe you who are reading this have experienced some of these things. Maybe you're from a broken home. Maybe you don't see the Light in the Night, but I want to tell you it's still there. Maybe you have doubts. Maybe a lot of things. But one thing is true and I'll tell you from first hand experience, that God knows
the desires in your heart. He knows those secrets that you cherish. Those dreams you have chased and thought lost. And He will fulfill you with success and will reward you with the things you have sought for your whole life. If you learn to trust in something greater than yourself, you will find what you are looking for. It's better than gold, better even than the rainbow. God Himself will be your counselor and your helpmeet. I know. He brought me out of all my dark past experiences and set me down in the bright light of the sun, where I can grow and thrive and enjoy life. He has become my salvation, and my bright morning star. He has rewarded my diligent search for love and happiness and I am happy and content in my new life. All because I dared to believe in my heart of hearts that somewhere in this world, I would find what I was looking for. Love.
Monday, April 23, 2012
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
Forgiveness
In my last post, I related some things that were a part of my life in my childhood and throughout some very difficult times in my life as an adult. I realize I have not forgiven them completely for what they did, or I would be able to tell my story without having the empty feeling revisit me. Jesus said that in order to be forgiven for our mistakes and sins, we must forgive others. And so, in posting my personal stories, I see that I must also forgive my parent's for what they did if I hope to see them again and embrace them as people I love. They did give me a good start in life. They took me to church and I listened. I went to Bible School in the summer and brought home pictures to my Mother. I remember the smell of the white paste and the crayons we used to color pictures of Jesus and past them on sheets of colored paper. I remember so many good things that they did, that far outweigh the things they did that hurt me. They hurt me most by not trusting me, nor trying to understand me. But nonetheless, I must forgive.
Jesus had brothers and sisters, and when He began preaching and telling the people that gathered around Him, that He was the Son of God, His brothers said, "He is beside Himself!" "Let us go and get him?". They thought He was crazy too. He knew who He was, He knew why He was here and His story is still told today as it has been down through the ages. In spite of what people may think, and say, they need this humble man in their lives today. He gives us peace, the living water of life, salvation, forgiveness for all our sins, and they are many. We need to be forgiven, so we may learn how to forgive. He told us, "If you stand praying and you have anything against thy brother, go to your brother and set things right, and then come and pray." My brother wasn't perfect. Neither was I. He got into drugs because he had no guidance, no father to show him the way. He rebelled against our Mother and try as she might, he went his way and plainly told her it was none of her business. He too needs forgiveness, not from me, but from my Mother. She passed away in 1981, and he had a very difficult time. He tried to blame her death on the fact I wouldn't let her keep my son's and send them to the same school that my sister had attended when she was little. It was my turn to raise my own sons. I said no. He blamed me and my sister too, because she moved out of our Mother's house just before she died and took her infant daughter with her. She didn't want to be left there with my Dad and my brother because she said she would never be able to get away if she didn't leave then. She too was blamed for my Mom's death, because she took her own child and moved in with a man she barely knew. Anything to escape the house and how it would be without our Mom.
There are things in all our lives that we find difficult to forgive. But one important lesson I have learned is that when I forgive, the pain I feel goes away and I am freer and can live my life the way I choose, by serving God and filling my heart with love instead of hatred and bitterness. I had parents. They may have made many mistakes and they may have sinned profoundly, but they were human and they had to answer for themselves when their time to face God came. I will have to as well, and so I choose to forgive, make things right with those I may have wronged and who wronged me, and let the healing power of God help me to overcome my feelings of rejection and abandonment. They were good people at heart, but were led astray by the things the world has to offer. They sought material possessions and couldn't get enough. They had very poor beginnings. I suppose they earned the life they had become accustomed to, and made their own money. I guess it was only right that they invest their money in things. That's what they found fulfillment in.
I am most fortunate to have found my fulfillment in knowing God as my father and mother, and He has led me every step of the way in my recovery from a disease that man cannot heal. Schizophrenia. I became ill as early as 16. I didn't look familiar to myself. But teenagers change every day and this disease is hard to detect in someone so young. I really became very ill at 18 1/2 and I was diagnosed finally at the age of 22 when it became apparent to others at work that there was something wrong with me. I left work one day because I felt so bad, and drove home. I went to my room and laid on my bed. I told my Mom a story that wasn't true about why I had come home early, and for 3 days thereafter I didn't go to work. I didn't call in. I was too sick to think clearly. Finally my boss called my Mother and she told him what I had said. He told her that wasn't true and that they thought at work that she should take me to see a Doctor. They did, I was diagnosed, and from that moment until today I have been on medication and receiving psychotherapy for my illness. I have greately improved, have a wonderful supportive family, a wonderful husband who has never left me and has dealt with this disease and heart disease since we got together back in 1975. I have had remission from the devastating effects of this disease, and currently I am on a very low dose of medication. The more I look back at my past and forgive the things that were done to me, the better I get. I have complete peace and rest because my husband is so trustworthy and he keeps an eye on me when I am not aware of it and he notices things that I may overlook. But for the most part, he is free to live his life and enjoy his work and his hobbies, we have grown children, and 7 grandchildren and he also enjoy's them. He has a good job, he is a steady worker, and he has never gone to bars after work when a drink would probably have done him good! He comes home, takes care of his family and does the things he needs to do. He never knew his own father, he left when Jack was 3 months old. His mother was 16 and didn't raise him, her Mom and her Grandmother did. He wasn't loved, was beaten, and treated badly. He is who he is because he endured and somehow he has grown to be a wonderful man, without the aid of a father or loving mother to teach him things about life. He is a self-educated, and self-made man. He is strong, can be tender, has always had my best interest at heart, and God has always met our needs.
This is the result of 2 people meeting by chance? I don't think so, never have, and never will. I believe God sent this person into my life to lead the way to the light of life and to help me rediscover who I am without all the hate and discord that had filled my life. He has given me everything and I could not be more blessed and thankful. I can't sing his praises enough because he has always been here for me, given me the desires of my heart, which was a family, and has been and remains, devoted to me.
Forgiveness. A word with 11 letters. It spells freedom. It spells healing. It spells forgiveness for me, for the things I may have done, and I have learned this lesson over the years and since my last post, I have realized, I need to forgive my parents too. This disease has no cure, or so men say. But the Bible says, "With God, all things are possible!" Even the healing of schizophrenia. It's a death sentence, not that it kills you, but that it robs you of life. I have prayed, used meditation and introspection, taken my medications, lived my life, visited my doctor when I was scheduled to and I have found freedom in God to leave this disease in the past. The more I trust God, the easier things get, because even though I'm 65, I have a young spirit and have never given up on life. It hasn't been easy, but it is worth the fight. I have come a long way in life, have learned many things, and have much to share with the world. This is my platform. I want to share the news that you too can be free. Learn to forgive and set yourself free of the sorrows you may have known in the past. Forgive those who may be in your life today that don't understand you or criticize you for what they see as your faults. If you have nothing to forgive, you are lucky. If you do, and you're tired of the pain and the bitterness it leaves you with, ask
God to help you forgive. It will be the best day of your life and you will feel light hearted and at peace and full of joy because when your heart is filled with pain, Jesus is nearest. He knows your suffering and He longs to be your friend and your God. He want's to set you free. Accept his love and Forgiveness today and receive the gift of eternal life He died to give you. It's free. You can have it today! You only need to ask Him, and He will come to you with open arms!
Jesus had brothers and sisters, and when He began preaching and telling the people that gathered around Him, that He was the Son of God, His brothers said, "He is beside Himself!" "Let us go and get him?". They thought He was crazy too. He knew who He was, He knew why He was here and His story is still told today as it has been down through the ages. In spite of what people may think, and say, they need this humble man in their lives today. He gives us peace, the living water of life, salvation, forgiveness for all our sins, and they are many. We need to be forgiven, so we may learn how to forgive. He told us, "If you stand praying and you have anything against thy brother, go to your brother and set things right, and then come and pray." My brother wasn't perfect. Neither was I. He got into drugs because he had no guidance, no father to show him the way. He rebelled against our Mother and try as she might, he went his way and plainly told her it was none of her business. He too needs forgiveness, not from me, but from my Mother. She passed away in 1981, and he had a very difficult time. He tried to blame her death on the fact I wouldn't let her keep my son's and send them to the same school that my sister had attended when she was little. It was my turn to raise my own sons. I said no. He blamed me and my sister too, because she moved out of our Mother's house just before she died and took her infant daughter with her. She didn't want to be left there with my Dad and my brother because she said she would never be able to get away if she didn't leave then. She too was blamed for my Mom's death, because she took her own child and moved in with a man she barely knew. Anything to escape the house and how it would be without our Mom.
There are things in all our lives that we find difficult to forgive. But one important lesson I have learned is that when I forgive, the pain I feel goes away and I am freer and can live my life the way I choose, by serving God and filling my heart with love instead of hatred and bitterness. I had parents. They may have made many mistakes and they may have sinned profoundly, but they were human and they had to answer for themselves when their time to face God came. I will have to as well, and so I choose to forgive, make things right with those I may have wronged and who wronged me, and let the healing power of God help me to overcome my feelings of rejection and abandonment. They were good people at heart, but were led astray by the things the world has to offer. They sought material possessions and couldn't get enough. They had very poor beginnings. I suppose they earned the life they had become accustomed to, and made their own money. I guess it was only right that they invest their money in things. That's what they found fulfillment in.
I am most fortunate to have found my fulfillment in knowing God as my father and mother, and He has led me every step of the way in my recovery from a disease that man cannot heal. Schizophrenia. I became ill as early as 16. I didn't look familiar to myself. But teenagers change every day and this disease is hard to detect in someone so young. I really became very ill at 18 1/2 and I was diagnosed finally at the age of 22 when it became apparent to others at work that there was something wrong with me. I left work one day because I felt so bad, and drove home. I went to my room and laid on my bed. I told my Mom a story that wasn't true about why I had come home early, and for 3 days thereafter I didn't go to work. I didn't call in. I was too sick to think clearly. Finally my boss called my Mother and she told him what I had said. He told her that wasn't true and that they thought at work that she should take me to see a Doctor. They did, I was diagnosed, and from that moment until today I have been on medication and receiving psychotherapy for my illness. I have greately improved, have a wonderful supportive family, a wonderful husband who has never left me and has dealt with this disease and heart disease since we got together back in 1975. I have had remission from the devastating effects of this disease, and currently I am on a very low dose of medication. The more I look back at my past and forgive the things that were done to me, the better I get. I have complete peace and rest because my husband is so trustworthy and he keeps an eye on me when I am not aware of it and he notices things that I may overlook. But for the most part, he is free to live his life and enjoy his work and his hobbies, we have grown children, and 7 grandchildren and he also enjoy's them. He has a good job, he is a steady worker, and he has never gone to bars after work when a drink would probably have done him good! He comes home, takes care of his family and does the things he needs to do. He never knew his own father, he left when Jack was 3 months old. His mother was 16 and didn't raise him, her Mom and her Grandmother did. He wasn't loved, was beaten, and treated badly. He is who he is because he endured and somehow he has grown to be a wonderful man, without the aid of a father or loving mother to teach him things about life. He is a self-educated, and self-made man. He is strong, can be tender, has always had my best interest at heart, and God has always met our needs.
This is the result of 2 people meeting by chance? I don't think so, never have, and never will. I believe God sent this person into my life to lead the way to the light of life and to help me rediscover who I am without all the hate and discord that had filled my life. He has given me everything and I could not be more blessed and thankful. I can't sing his praises enough because he has always been here for me, given me the desires of my heart, which was a family, and has been and remains, devoted to me.
Forgiveness. A word with 11 letters. It spells freedom. It spells healing. It spells forgiveness for me, for the things I may have done, and I have learned this lesson over the years and since my last post, I have realized, I need to forgive my parents too. This disease has no cure, or so men say. But the Bible says, "With God, all things are possible!" Even the healing of schizophrenia. It's a death sentence, not that it kills you, but that it robs you of life. I have prayed, used meditation and introspection, taken my medications, lived my life, visited my doctor when I was scheduled to and I have found freedom in God to leave this disease in the past. The more I trust God, the easier things get, because even though I'm 65, I have a young spirit and have never given up on life. It hasn't been easy, but it is worth the fight. I have come a long way in life, have learned many things, and have much to share with the world. This is my platform. I want to share the news that you too can be free. Learn to forgive and set yourself free of the sorrows you may have known in the past. Forgive those who may be in your life today that don't understand you or criticize you for what they see as your faults. If you have nothing to forgive, you are lucky. If you do, and you're tired of the pain and the bitterness it leaves you with, ask
God to help you forgive. It will be the best day of your life and you will feel light hearted and at peace and full of joy because when your heart is filled with pain, Jesus is nearest. He knows your suffering and He longs to be your friend and your God. He want's to set you free. Accept his love and Forgiveness today and receive the gift of eternal life He died to give you. It's free. You can have it today! You only need to ask Him, and He will come to you with open arms!
Wednesday, April 11, 2012
The Love of a Father
I have no memory of being a baby, no one does. But my Mother told me when I was older that when I was about 2 weeks old, my father got up in the middle of the night to change me and he spanked me for wetting my diaper. My Mother took me from him needless to say, and I have no real memory of being spanked, but it was the beginning of a very rough relationship with my biological father that would mark me for my whole life. I thought there was nothing like my Dad. I had no idea as a child that he had done that to me and I didn't understand when I was 2 and 3 that whenever I'd go to my Dad when he was home at night and he'd be busy doing things I didn't know about, trying to learn blueprinting and various other things, he would yell at me and tell me to go away and leave him alone. I didn't understand when I was 10 and he would laugh at me for being overweight. I didn't understand why he yelled at my grandmother and my mother and called her a lesbian. I didn't know what that meant but I was affected by the sharpness with which he addressed all of us. He would come home at night and after he ate he would lock himself in the bedroom away from all of us and ignore us. He had seizures and that frightened me also. I didn't understand anything about him until I was much older. He had many problems and he never paid enough attention to his responsibilities of raising 3 children and loving his family, which was never evident. He was loud, aggressive, avoided going on picnics with us or to any family activities. He ignored my brother, and he would ask Dad to go outside and throw a ball with him, but his answer always was that he was too tired. He'd sit in the corner in the living room and read a book or some other solitary activity and ignore all of us. I can't remember very much about him except that we had peace when he wasn't around. It left a void in my life that no one else could fill. No one that is, but God. That partially explains why I feel the way I do about God as my Heavenly Father. One night when my parents were fighting and my little brother was crying, my baby sister was hiding in her closet, and I was sick with the flu or worse, I laid in the dark in my cold room and begged God to take my life. To take my soul to heaven because I couldn't take any more pain. I cried myself to sleep and when I woke up the next day, I had a sensation of being someone else. I felt peaceful inside and comforted. I felt different about my Mother and Father, but I knew I had to leave and go and serve this God who had changed me when I didn't have the strength to go on. I was abused, neglected, and abandoned eventually by my family, but God gave me the strength to go on and live a good life and to be a better person because of my past, rather than let it destroy me and turn to drugs, alcohol or suicide. I have had a hard life, I've been sick a lot and have heart disease. But I know that God brought me the man I am married to and he is so good to me and loves me so deeply. I am truly blessed. I have 3 children, grown now and they too have filled my life with joy and pride. I now have 7 grandchildren as well and they are all loving and sweet to me. I have 30 messages on my phone that I have kept recorded over the years and they all begin with my grandchildren saying "Grandma". They mean the world to me and I can't express enough how much I love God for giving me this wonderful family and turning my life around.
I have gifts that God gave me, most of all a huge heart that loves people and want's to help those who have been in darkness and couldn't see the light. I've known great fear in my life, and loneliness and I found comfort in the arms of my Savior. He was gentle and kind when I was sick and attended to me when I was groping to find the way at various points in my life. I have approached writing this blog from the view point of relating what is in the Bible, when most people can read for themselves. I decided to tell you about me and why I love God, because I am compelled to share my story with others who know pain, fear and abuse and rejection. I felt alone and rejected by many and ridiculed for being overweight most of my life. No wonder I find it so hard to lose weight. I had baggage that no one should have to carry, but I did anyway and it brought many hard times to my family. I have tried to be a good person, and loving and kind in spite of the things I have endured and my family members all love Grandma. God made the difference in my life. He is real and kind to me and He has great power to heal and to find the lost and lead them out into the sunlight and to the springs of living water where we can drink our fill and never pay one cent for the love that Jesus died to give us. He is real and He is a personal Savior and my guardian for all my days. When He said "I will never leave you, nor forsake you", He meant it and He has proven His love to me over and over again. I have a calling to help others in finding their way to Jesus if I can, and I am here to do this. I don't have to have anyone's permission, or wait to be considered by a stranger to tell my story and help those who are like me. I can do it here, and help many more than I otherwise could and that is something I am really endebted to Jesus to accomplish. I could not have made it without the Lord. I would have been a drug addict long ago, or killed myself. I have had to fight with the feelings that I wanted to take my life. I remember once I was sitting in the floor in my parents bathroom with several bottles of pills in my hands. I was 18 and in the depths of despair and depression and the anger I felt and the pain begged me to end my life and go on to whatever awaited me on the other side of death. I would have missed so much. I would have never met my husband, never had 3 children, would have not touched the lives of others with my story and I would have taken something precious for nothing, when Jesus had given His all for me. I had given my life to Him at the tender age of 12, and although He has great power and could have kept me from suffering as I did in the years ahead, but I wouldn't be the person I am today and I wouldn't have a story to tell that would encourage others to try to fight the awful urges to end their lives.
There is a loving, living God, and He told me in His word that if my parents abandoned me, then He would take me up, and He did that. I told Him if He'd be my Father, I would do all I could to bring His love to as many as possible on my journey through life. I was a child, but I meant it with all my heart. He took me seriously, became my Heavenly Light forever, and changed me and walked with me through every dark corridor of my life. He has been closer than a brother, and He has lifted me above all the sorrows I have borne in my life and the loneliness and abandonment of my family. My parents are dead now, and hopefully God had mercy on them for the mess they made of their children's lives. I don't know what excuses they offered, it's something every person has to take personal account for. On my Mother's death bed, she opened her eyes and looked at me and said, "Bonnie, I'm sorry". She was sorry for trying to get a lawyer to take my twin sons away from me and give them to my family so they could raise them because they told him I was Schizophrenic and couldn't take care of them properly. They sent the police to my house when my sons were only 4 weeks old and told them I was leaving them alone for 4 and 5 hours at a time. The police wanted to see my babies, and I let them in. They saw 2 beautiful baby boys, asleep in their little bed, and the soft glow of the night light in their room, everything clean and in order, and they smiled as they left and told me they were beautiful babies. They had an ambulance parked in front of my home and were there to take them to Hillcrest receiving home. Can you imagine the pain I felt, not only rejected by my parents, but they actually tried to take my babies from me. They offered no support, no help, no caring, no understanding. I have never gotten over the empty feeling I felt in the pit of my stomach every time I tell this story. But that's only a sample of the things I've been through. I have peace in my soul today because God helps me to forgive and love those who have done me wrong in life and in forgiving others, I have found healing for my own heart and soul. Life is tough. You need someone strong to be on your side and to help you to live the kind of life you can be proud of. God is there for all of us. He is a loving Father and wants to gather us all up into his mighty arms and love us and forgive us and help us to live happy and productive lives. He is there for you too. If you need a friend today, ask Him to come into your life and to wrap you up in his big mighty arms of love and let you rest in Him. If you are tired of the uphill climb and the burdens you bear are weighing you down, turn in your need to the only one who can see your heart and the one who created you, and find the help, love, forgiveness and mercy you so need in this world we live in. Life can be beautiful and wonderful for you too. Ask the Father and He will give you the peace you need and meet your needs like no one else can. I know, for He has been my Father for many years and has really removed the burdens from my shoulders. I love Him and I do this for Him and for His son, My Loving Savior, Jesus.
I have gifts that God gave me, most of all a huge heart that loves people and want's to help those who have been in darkness and couldn't see the light. I've known great fear in my life, and loneliness and I found comfort in the arms of my Savior. He was gentle and kind when I was sick and attended to me when I was groping to find the way at various points in my life. I have approached writing this blog from the view point of relating what is in the Bible, when most people can read for themselves. I decided to tell you about me and why I love God, because I am compelled to share my story with others who know pain, fear and abuse and rejection. I felt alone and rejected by many and ridiculed for being overweight most of my life. No wonder I find it so hard to lose weight. I had baggage that no one should have to carry, but I did anyway and it brought many hard times to my family. I have tried to be a good person, and loving and kind in spite of the things I have endured and my family members all love Grandma. God made the difference in my life. He is real and kind to me and He has great power to heal and to find the lost and lead them out into the sunlight and to the springs of living water where we can drink our fill and never pay one cent for the love that Jesus died to give us. He is real and He is a personal Savior and my guardian for all my days. When He said "I will never leave you, nor forsake you", He meant it and He has proven His love to me over and over again. I have a calling to help others in finding their way to Jesus if I can, and I am here to do this. I don't have to have anyone's permission, or wait to be considered by a stranger to tell my story and help those who are like me. I can do it here, and help many more than I otherwise could and that is something I am really endebted to Jesus to accomplish. I could not have made it without the Lord. I would have been a drug addict long ago, or killed myself. I have had to fight with the feelings that I wanted to take my life. I remember once I was sitting in the floor in my parents bathroom with several bottles of pills in my hands. I was 18 and in the depths of despair and depression and the anger I felt and the pain begged me to end my life and go on to whatever awaited me on the other side of death. I would have missed so much. I would have never met my husband, never had 3 children, would have not touched the lives of others with my story and I would have taken something precious for nothing, when Jesus had given His all for me. I had given my life to Him at the tender age of 12, and although He has great power and could have kept me from suffering as I did in the years ahead, but I wouldn't be the person I am today and I wouldn't have a story to tell that would encourage others to try to fight the awful urges to end their lives.
There is a loving, living God, and He told me in His word that if my parents abandoned me, then He would take me up, and He did that. I told Him if He'd be my Father, I would do all I could to bring His love to as many as possible on my journey through life. I was a child, but I meant it with all my heart. He took me seriously, became my Heavenly Light forever, and changed me and walked with me through every dark corridor of my life. He has been closer than a brother, and He has lifted me above all the sorrows I have borne in my life and the loneliness and abandonment of my family. My parents are dead now, and hopefully God had mercy on them for the mess they made of their children's lives. I don't know what excuses they offered, it's something every person has to take personal account for. On my Mother's death bed, she opened her eyes and looked at me and said, "Bonnie, I'm sorry". She was sorry for trying to get a lawyer to take my twin sons away from me and give them to my family so they could raise them because they told him I was Schizophrenic and couldn't take care of them properly. They sent the police to my house when my sons were only 4 weeks old and told them I was leaving them alone for 4 and 5 hours at a time. The police wanted to see my babies, and I let them in. They saw 2 beautiful baby boys, asleep in their little bed, and the soft glow of the night light in their room, everything clean and in order, and they smiled as they left and told me they were beautiful babies. They had an ambulance parked in front of my home and were there to take them to Hillcrest receiving home. Can you imagine the pain I felt, not only rejected by my parents, but they actually tried to take my babies from me. They offered no support, no help, no caring, no understanding. I have never gotten over the empty feeling I felt in the pit of my stomach every time I tell this story. But that's only a sample of the things I've been through. I have peace in my soul today because God helps me to forgive and love those who have done me wrong in life and in forgiving others, I have found healing for my own heart and soul. Life is tough. You need someone strong to be on your side and to help you to live the kind of life you can be proud of. God is there for all of us. He is a loving Father and wants to gather us all up into his mighty arms and love us and forgive us and help us to live happy and productive lives. He is there for you too. If you need a friend today, ask Him to come into your life and to wrap you up in his big mighty arms of love and let you rest in Him. If you are tired of the uphill climb and the burdens you bear are weighing you down, turn in your need to the only one who can see your heart and the one who created you, and find the help, love, forgiveness and mercy you so need in this world we live in. Life can be beautiful and wonderful for you too. Ask the Father and He will give you the peace you need and meet your needs like no one else can. I know, for He has been my Father for many years and has really removed the burdens from my shoulders. I love Him and I do this for Him and for His son, My Loving Savior, Jesus.
Sunday, April 8, 2012
Happy Easter! Not Just Another Holiday!
Thank God above for this day. It is not just any Holiday, not really a gift giving Holiday, but on this day the greatest gift ever given to mankind became a reality! Jesus rose from the dead to give us victory over the grave and that is the best reality I could ever ask for! We make Easter baskets for our children and buy bunnies, and when my children were little I tried to teach them the difference between the gift's we give them and the one Jesus gave them. Our daughter was a capricous and sweet little girl, and our sons were more interested in playing kick the can instead of the Bible readings we tried to apply to their lives, not really listening but thinking about the games they'd play when I finally let them go out. So, imagine my surprise when Easter Sunday, when my daughter was about 4, I read to them about the significance of Easter and then I posed the question, "Who can tell me the meaning of Easter?" and our little girl's hand shot up as she bounced up and down with glee... "I can!" she chirped. Then she answered "Easter is when the Easter bunny killed Jesus!" I was stunned at first, then realized they were still too young to get it. I had given them too much information for their little brains to comprehend and I chuckled as I let them go outside to play.
This is a cute story, and while it makes perfect sense to a child, it is perhaps something to think about. What does Easter mean to you and your's? A day to hide eggs, and give Easter Baskets and candy eggs, or does it lighten your step to know that those you love will never be separated from you permanently when they pass beyond this reality? I remember my own Grandma always bought us Sees Easter Eggs with our names written on them and a cross and flowers on top. But she gave me something more than that. She went to church until she couldn't walk well enough to take the bus and she always trusted in God to take care of her. She lived a Christian life, and although she had a temper and said things she called being "honest", which were sometimes rude and hurtful, she none the less had a heart of gold and would always cry when she talked about the people in her life she had lost. A baby boy, at 9 months of age. Her other son at 43, and her daughter at 55. She had buried her Mother, Father, Husband, brothers and sisters and still she had the faith to believe that they were all with God and that she would see them again one day. That's what Easter is about. Faith, serving the Master day in and day out, regardless of the cost of losing those we love. Because she knew Him in her heart and He was always there for her to lean on.
This is truly a day of celebration and I just wanted to post that for me, Easter is the most important Holiday we have. The King of Kings rose, giving us reason to celebrate life and the fact that we can have it eternally. Life is busy, full of good times as well as bad. But at the close of the day, when you are full of good food and relaxing before bed with those you love, realize that not all days are happy ones. As our lives draw to a close, and the candle is just about out, we have reason to rejoice even though we must say goodbye, for a while, to those we love. Death comes to us all. It's how we live and what we have faith in that matters. I know, without a doubt, than when my eyes close on planet earth, my spiritual eyes will view the promised land and the spirit God gave me will be joined with God in paradise and all those I have lost will be there as well. It will be a glad reunion, and one that doesn't have to be dreaded, for we have a Savior, Christ Jesus, who gave his life and fulfilled the debt we all owe, that we might live forever in Heaven with the ones we love and that is truly worth celebrating.
Happy Easter one and all and I hope to continue with the good news that He Lives!
This is a cute story, and while it makes perfect sense to a child, it is perhaps something to think about. What does Easter mean to you and your's? A day to hide eggs, and give Easter Baskets and candy eggs, or does it lighten your step to know that those you love will never be separated from you permanently when they pass beyond this reality? I remember my own Grandma always bought us Sees Easter Eggs with our names written on them and a cross and flowers on top. But she gave me something more than that. She went to church until she couldn't walk well enough to take the bus and she always trusted in God to take care of her. She lived a Christian life, and although she had a temper and said things she called being "honest", which were sometimes rude and hurtful, she none the less had a heart of gold and would always cry when she talked about the people in her life she had lost. A baby boy, at 9 months of age. Her other son at 43, and her daughter at 55. She had buried her Mother, Father, Husband, brothers and sisters and still she had the faith to believe that they were all with God and that she would see them again one day. That's what Easter is about. Faith, serving the Master day in and day out, regardless of the cost of losing those we love. Because she knew Him in her heart and He was always there for her to lean on.
This is truly a day of celebration and I just wanted to post that for me, Easter is the most important Holiday we have. The King of Kings rose, giving us reason to celebrate life and the fact that we can have it eternally. Life is busy, full of good times as well as bad. But at the close of the day, when you are full of good food and relaxing before bed with those you love, realize that not all days are happy ones. As our lives draw to a close, and the candle is just about out, we have reason to rejoice even though we must say goodbye, for a while, to those we love. Death comes to us all. It's how we live and what we have faith in that matters. I know, without a doubt, than when my eyes close on planet earth, my spiritual eyes will view the promised land and the spirit God gave me will be joined with God in paradise and all those I have lost will be there as well. It will be a glad reunion, and one that doesn't have to be dreaded, for we have a Savior, Christ Jesus, who gave his life and fulfilled the debt we all owe, that we might live forever in Heaven with the ones we love and that is truly worth celebrating.
Happy Easter one and all and I hope to continue with the good news that He Lives!
Monday, April 2, 2012
God's Righteousness - Available to All; We Can Be Sin Free Today!
I've had people tell me that they can't be sin free here on earth. That they have to die first to be free. That isn't so, and last night I found the truth in Romans and will post it here for all to read the good news. Jesus gave us a commandment... "Be ye perfect! Even as your Father in Heaven is PERFECT." But even more, we can have His righteousness right here, today, and forever. Here is what I found:
Dead to Sin, Alive in Christ
Chapter 6, Verses 1-14
What shall we say, then? Shall we go on sinning so that grace may increase? By no means! We died to sin, how can we live in it any longer? Or don't you know that all of us who were baptized into Christ Jesus were baptized into his death? We were therefore buried with him through baptism into death in order that, just as Christ was raised from the dead through the glory of the Father, we too may live a new life.
If we have been united with him like this in his death, we will certainly also be united with him in his resurrection. For we know that our old self was crucified with him so that the body of sin might be done away with, that we should no longer be slaves to sin - because anyone who has died has been freed from sin.
Now if we died with Christ, we believe that we will also live with him. For we know that since Christ was raised from the dead, he cannot die again; death no longer has mastery over him. The death he died, he died to sin once for all; but the life he lives, he lives to God.
In the same way, count yourselves dead to sin but alive to God in Christ Jesus. Therefore do not let sin reign in your mortal body so that you obey its evil desires. Do not offer the parts of your body to sin, as instruments of wickedness, but rather offer yourselves to God, as those who have been brought from death to life; and offer the parts of your body to him as instruments of righteousness. For sin shall not be your master, because you are not under law, but under GRACE.
Under Grace is the key. Jesus died that we might live by Grace and not under the law. Jesus fulfilled all of the requirements for us when He died on the cross. He rose again on the 3rd day and set us free from the bonds of sin and death. We do not have to sin in this mortal body and we will cease sinning if we ask Jesus Christ to come into our hearts and lives and change us. He changes us permanently and forever by his death and by his resurrection. Once we do accept Christ, we are set free from sin. We don't have to go on living a life filled with sin of mankind. We are washed anew in the blood of Christ and are set free of the sin that so easily besets us. If we realize we are free, and have a new life hidden in Christ, we are truly free and our mind's are eased because we suffer no condemnation from others, or our guilty conscience. Set Free! That means from the moment you accept Christ Jesus, you are FREE from SIN, and full of the grace and glory of God the father, and His son Jesus. He gives us the gift of the Holy Spirit to keep us from sinning, and to give us a strong witness to others that sin no longer has dominion over us, for we are free in Christ Jesus, forevermore.
Today is the day of Salvation..... Time is flying by us.... make today your day. It will change you in ways you never dreamed possible. Your dreams can be realities, for with God, All Things Are Possible!
Dead to Sin, Alive in Christ
Chapter 6, Verses 1-14
What shall we say, then? Shall we go on sinning so that grace may increase? By no means! We died to sin, how can we live in it any longer? Or don't you know that all of us who were baptized into Christ Jesus were baptized into his death? We were therefore buried with him through baptism into death in order that, just as Christ was raised from the dead through the glory of the Father, we too may live a new life.
If we have been united with him like this in his death, we will certainly also be united with him in his resurrection. For we know that our old self was crucified with him so that the body of sin might be done away with, that we should no longer be slaves to sin - because anyone who has died has been freed from sin.
Now if we died with Christ, we believe that we will also live with him. For we know that since Christ was raised from the dead, he cannot die again; death no longer has mastery over him. The death he died, he died to sin once for all; but the life he lives, he lives to God.
In the same way, count yourselves dead to sin but alive to God in Christ Jesus. Therefore do not let sin reign in your mortal body so that you obey its evil desires. Do not offer the parts of your body to sin, as instruments of wickedness, but rather offer yourselves to God, as those who have been brought from death to life; and offer the parts of your body to him as instruments of righteousness. For sin shall not be your master, because you are not under law, but under GRACE.
Under Grace is the key. Jesus died that we might live by Grace and not under the law. Jesus fulfilled all of the requirements for us when He died on the cross. He rose again on the 3rd day and set us free from the bonds of sin and death. We do not have to sin in this mortal body and we will cease sinning if we ask Jesus Christ to come into our hearts and lives and change us. He changes us permanently and forever by his death and by his resurrection. Once we do accept Christ, we are set free from sin. We don't have to go on living a life filled with sin of mankind. We are washed anew in the blood of Christ and are set free of the sin that so easily besets us. If we realize we are free, and have a new life hidden in Christ, we are truly free and our mind's are eased because we suffer no condemnation from others, or our guilty conscience. Set Free! That means from the moment you accept Christ Jesus, you are FREE from SIN, and full of the grace and glory of God the father, and His son Jesus. He gives us the gift of the Holy Spirit to keep us from sinning, and to give us a strong witness to others that sin no longer has dominion over us, for we are free in Christ Jesus, forevermore.
Today is the day of Salvation..... Time is flying by us.... make today your day. It will change you in ways you never dreamed possible. Your dreams can be realities, for with God, All Things Are Possible!
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