I have no memory of being a baby, no one does. But my Mother told me when I was older that when I was about 2 weeks old, my father got up in the middle of the night to change me and he spanked me for wetting my diaper. My Mother took me from him needless to say, and I have no real memory of being spanked, but it was the beginning of a very rough relationship with my biological father that would mark me for my whole life. I thought there was nothing like my Dad. I had no idea as a child that he had done that to me and I didn't understand when I was 2 and 3 that whenever I'd go to my Dad when he was home at night and he'd be busy doing things I didn't know about, trying to learn blueprinting and various other things, he would yell at me and tell me to go away and leave him alone. I didn't understand when I was 10 and he would laugh at me for being overweight. I didn't understand why he yelled at my grandmother and my mother and called her a lesbian. I didn't know what that meant but I was affected by the sharpness with which he addressed all of us. He would come home at night and after he ate he would lock himself in the bedroom away from all of us and ignore us. He had seizures and that frightened me also. I didn't understand anything about him until I was much older. He had many problems and he never paid enough attention to his responsibilities of raising 3 children and loving his family, which was never evident. He was loud, aggressive, avoided going on picnics with us or to any family activities. He ignored my brother, and he would ask Dad to go outside and throw a ball with him, but his answer always was that he was too tired. He'd sit in the corner in the living room and read a book or some other solitary activity and ignore all of us. I can't remember very much about him except that we had peace when he wasn't around. It left a void in my life that no one else could fill. No one that is, but God. That partially explains why I feel the way I do about God as my Heavenly Father. One night when my parents were fighting and my little brother was crying, my baby sister was hiding in her closet, and I was sick with the flu or worse, I laid in the dark in my cold room and begged God to take my life. To take my soul to heaven because I couldn't take any more pain. I cried myself to sleep and when I woke up the next day, I had a sensation of being someone else. I felt peaceful inside and comforted. I felt different about my Mother and Father, but I knew I had to leave and go and serve this God who had changed me when I didn't have the strength to go on. I was abused, neglected, and abandoned eventually by my family, but God gave me the strength to go on and live a good life and to be a better person because of my past, rather than let it destroy me and turn to drugs, alcohol or suicide. I have had a hard life, I've been sick a lot and have heart disease. But I know that God brought me the man I am married to and he is so good to me and loves me so deeply. I am truly blessed. I have 3 children, grown now and they too have filled my life with joy and pride. I now have 7 grandchildren as well and they are all loving and sweet to me. I have 30 messages on my phone that I have kept recorded over the years and they all begin with my grandchildren saying "Grandma". They mean the world to me and I can't express enough how much I love God for giving me this wonderful family and turning my life around.
I have gifts that God gave me, most of all a huge heart that loves people and want's to help those who have been in darkness and couldn't see the light. I've known great fear in my life, and loneliness and I found comfort in the arms of my Savior. He was gentle and kind when I was sick and attended to me when I was groping to find the way at various points in my life. I have approached writing this blog from the view point of relating what is in the Bible, when most people can read for themselves. I decided to tell you about me and why I love God, because I am compelled to share my story with others who know pain, fear and abuse and rejection. I felt alone and rejected by many and ridiculed for being overweight most of my life. No wonder I find it so hard to lose weight. I had baggage that no one should have to carry, but I did anyway and it brought many hard times to my family. I have tried to be a good person, and loving and kind in spite of the things I have endured and my family members all love Grandma. God made the difference in my life. He is real and kind to me and He has great power to heal and to find the lost and lead them out into the sunlight and to the springs of living water where we can drink our fill and never pay one cent for the love that Jesus died to give us. He is real and He is a personal Savior and my guardian for all my days. When He said "I will never leave you, nor forsake you", He meant it and He has proven His love to me over and over again. I have a calling to help others in finding their way to Jesus if I can, and I am here to do this. I don't have to have anyone's permission, or wait to be considered by a stranger to tell my story and help those who are like me. I can do it here, and help many more than I otherwise could and that is something I am really endebted to Jesus to accomplish. I could not have made it without the Lord. I would have been a drug addict long ago, or killed myself. I have had to fight with the feelings that I wanted to take my life. I remember once I was sitting in the floor in my parents bathroom with several bottles of pills in my hands. I was 18 and in the depths of despair and depression and the anger I felt and the pain begged me to end my life and go on to whatever awaited me on the other side of death. I would have missed so much. I would have never met my husband, never had 3 children, would have not touched the lives of others with my story and I would have taken something precious for nothing, when Jesus had given His all for me. I had given my life to Him at the tender age of 12, and although He has great power and could have kept me from suffering as I did in the years ahead, but I wouldn't be the person I am today and I wouldn't have a story to tell that would encourage others to try to fight the awful urges to end their lives.
There is a loving, living God, and He told me in His word that if my parents abandoned me, then He would take me up, and He did that. I told Him if He'd be my Father, I would do all I could to bring His love to as many as possible on my journey through life. I was a child, but I meant it with all my heart. He took me seriously, became my Heavenly Light forever, and changed me and walked with me through every dark corridor of my life. He has been closer than a brother, and He has lifted me above all the sorrows I have borne in my life and the loneliness and abandonment of my family. My parents are dead now, and hopefully God had mercy on them for the mess they made of their children's lives. I don't know what excuses they offered, it's something every person has to take personal account for. On my Mother's death bed, she opened her eyes and looked at me and said, "Bonnie, I'm sorry". She was sorry for trying to get a lawyer to take my twin sons away from me and give them to my family so they could raise them because they told him I was Schizophrenic and couldn't take care of them properly. They sent the police to my house when my sons were only 4 weeks old and told them I was leaving them alone for 4 and 5 hours at a time. The police wanted to see my babies, and I let them in. They saw 2 beautiful baby boys, asleep in their little bed, and the soft glow of the night light in their room, everything clean and in order, and they smiled as they left and told me they were beautiful babies. They had an ambulance parked in front of my home and were there to take them to Hillcrest receiving home. Can you imagine the pain I felt, not only rejected by my parents, but they actually tried to take my babies from me. They offered no support, no help, no caring, no understanding. I have never gotten over the empty feeling I felt in the pit of my stomach every time I tell this story. But that's only a sample of the things I've been through. I have peace in my soul today because God helps me to forgive and love those who have done me wrong in life and in forgiving others, I have found healing for my own heart and soul. Life is tough. You need someone strong to be on your side and to help you to live the kind of life you can be proud of. God is there for all of us. He is a loving Father and wants to gather us all up into his mighty arms and love us and forgive us and help us to live happy and productive lives. He is there for you too. If you need a friend today, ask Him to come into your life and to wrap you up in his big mighty arms of love and let you rest in Him. If you are tired of the uphill climb and the burdens you bear are weighing you down, turn in your need to the only one who can see your heart and the one who created you, and find the help, love, forgiveness and mercy you so need in this world we live in. Life can be beautiful and wonderful for you too. Ask the Father and He will give you the peace you need and meet your needs like no one else can. I know, for He has been my Father for many years and has really removed the burdens from my shoulders. I love Him and I do this for Him and for His son, My Loving Savior, Jesus.
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