Forgiveness

In my last post, I related some things that were a part of my life in my childhood and throughout some very difficult times in my life as an adult.  I realize I have not forgiven them completely for what they did, or I would be able to tell my story without having the empty feeling revisit me.  Jesus said that in order to be forgiven for our mistakes and sins, we must forgive others.  And so, in posting my personal stories, I see that I must also forgive my parent's for what they did if I hope to see them again and embrace them as people I love.  They did give me a good start in life.  They took me to church and I listened.  I went to Bible School in the summer and brought home pictures to my Mother.  I remember the smell of the white paste and the crayons we used to color pictures of Jesus and past them on sheets of colored paper.  I remember so many good things that they did, that far outweigh the things they did that hurt me.  They hurt me most by not trusting me, nor trying to understand me.  But nonetheless, I must forgive.

Jesus had brothers and sisters, and when He began preaching and telling the people that gathered around Him, that He was the Son of God, His brothers said, "He is beside Himself!"  "Let us go and get him?".  They thought He was crazy too.  He knew who He was, He knew why He was here and His story is still told today as it has been down through the ages.  In spite of what people may think, and say, they need this humble man in their lives today.  He gives us peace, the living water of life, salvation, forgiveness for all our sins, and they are many.  We need to be forgiven, so we may learn how to forgive.  He told us, "If you stand praying and you have anything against thy brother, go to your brother and set things right, and then come and pray."  My brother wasn't perfect.  Neither was I.  He got into drugs because he had no guidance, no father to show him the way.  He rebelled against our Mother and try as she might, he went his way and plainly told her it was none of her business.  He too needs forgiveness, not from me, but from my Mother.  She passed away in 1981, and he had a very difficult time.  He tried to blame her death on the fact I wouldn't let her keep my son's and send them to the same school that my sister had attended when she was little.  It was my turn to raise my own sons.  I said no.  He blamed me and my sister too, because she moved out of our Mother's house just before she died and took her infant daughter with her.  She didn't want to be left there with my Dad and my brother because she said she would never be able to get away if she didn't leave then.  She too was blamed for my Mom's death, because she took her own child and moved in with a man she barely knew.  Anything to escape the house and how it would be without our Mom.

There are things in all our lives that we find difficult to forgive.  But one important lesson I have learned is that when I forgive, the pain I feel goes away and I am freer and can live my life the way I choose, by serving God and filling my heart with love instead of hatred and bitterness.  I had parents.  They may have made many mistakes and they may have sinned profoundly, but they were human and they had to answer for themselves when their time to face God came.  I will have to as well, and so I choose to forgive, make things right with those I may have wronged and who wronged me, and let the healing power of God help me to overcome my feelings of rejection and abandonment.  They were good people at heart, but were led astray by the things the world has to offer.  They sought material possessions and couldn't get enough.  They had very poor beginnings.  I suppose they earned the life they had become accustomed to, and made their own money.  I guess it was only right that they invest their money in things.  That's what they found fulfillment in.

I am most fortunate to have found my fulfillment in knowing God as my father and mother, and He has led me every step of the way in my recovery from a disease that man cannot heal.  Schizophrenia.  I became ill as early as 16.  I didn't look familiar to myself.  But teenagers change every day and this disease is hard to detect in someone so young.  I really became very ill at 18 1/2 and I was diagnosed finally at the age of 22 when it became apparent to others at work that there was something wrong with me.  I left work one day because I felt so bad, and drove home.  I went to my room and laid on my bed.  I told my Mom a story that wasn't true about why I had come home early, and for 3 days thereafter I didn't go to work.  I didn't call in.  I was too sick to think clearly.  Finally my boss called my Mother and she told him what I had said.  He told her that wasn't true and that they thought at work that she should take me to see a Doctor.  They did, I was diagnosed, and from that moment until today I have been on medication and receiving psychotherapy for my illness.  I have greately improved, have a wonderful supportive family, a wonderful husband who has never left me and has dealt with this disease and heart disease since we got together back in 1975.  I have had remission from the devastating effects of this disease, and currently I am on a very low dose of medication.  The more I look back at my past and forgive the things that were done to me, the better I get.  I have complete peace and rest because my husband is so trustworthy and he keeps an eye on me when I am not aware of it and he notices things that I may overlook.  But for the most part, he is free to live his life and enjoy his work and his hobbies, we have grown children, and 7 grandchildren and he also enjoy's them.  He has a good job, he is a steady worker, and he has never gone to bars after work when a drink would probably have done him good!  He comes home, takes care of his family and does the things he needs to do.  He never knew his own father, he left when Jack was 3 months old.  His mother was 16 and didn't raise him, her Mom and her Grandmother did.  He wasn't loved, was beaten, and treated badly.  He is who he is because he endured and somehow he has grown to be a wonderful man, without the aid of a father or loving mother to teach him things about life.  He is a self-educated, and self-made man.  He is strong, can be tender, has always had my best interest at heart, and God has always met our needs.

This is the result of 2 people meeting by chance?  I don't think so, never have, and never will.  I believe God sent this person into my life to lead the way to the light of life and to help me rediscover who I am without all the hate and discord that had filled my life.  He has given me everything and I could not be more blessed and thankful.  I can't sing his praises enough because he has always been here for me, given me the desires of my heart, which was a family, and has been and remains, devoted to me.

Forgiveness.  A word with 11 letters.  It spells freedom.  It spells healing.  It spells forgiveness for me, for the things I may have done, and I have learned this lesson over the years and since my last post, I have realized, I need to forgive my parents too.  This disease has no cure, or so men say.  But the Bible says, "With God, all things are possible!"  Even the healing of schizophrenia.  It's a death sentence, not that it kills you, but that it robs you of life.  I have prayed, used meditation and introspection, taken my medications, lived my life, visited my doctor when I was scheduled to and I have found freedom in God to leave this disease in the past.  The more I trust God, the easier things get, because even though I'm 65, I have a young spirit and have never given up on life.  It hasn't been easy, but it is worth the fight.  I have come a long way in life, have learned many things, and have much to share with the world.  This is my platform.  I want to share the news that you too can be free.  Learn to forgive and set yourself free of the sorrows you may have known in the past.  Forgive those who may be in your life today that don't understand you or criticize you for what they see as your faults.  If you have nothing to forgive, you are lucky.  If you do, and you're tired of the pain and the bitterness it leaves you with, ask
God to help you forgive.  It will be the best day of your life and you will feel light hearted and at peace and full of joy because when your heart is filled with pain, Jesus is nearest.  He knows your suffering and He longs to be your friend and your God.  He want's to set you free.  Accept his love and Forgiveness today and receive the gift of eternal life He died to give you.  It's free.  You can have it today!  You only need to ask Him, and He will come to you with open arms!