2 Because he turned his ear to me, I will call on him as long as I live.
3 The cords of death entangled me, the anguish of the grave came upon me; I was overcome by trouble and sorrow.
4 Then I called on the name of the Lord; O Lord, save me!
5 The Lord is gracious and righteous; our God is full of compassion.
6 The Lord protects the simplehearted, when I was in great need, he saved me.
7 Be at rest once more, O my soul, for the Lord hath dealt bountifully with thee.
This isn't the whole Psalm, but it is the part that touched my heart the moment I read it. When I was young, I was afflicted with a disease and also suffered a traumatic event in my life. I felt like I was someone else, and I remember once, I went into my parent's bathroom and went through all their medicines to see if there was one that would kill me. I sat in the floor with a bottle of some sort of pills in my hand, and I struggled to not open it and take all the pills. I didn't want to die. But my disease made me hear things and see things and it was all I could do to not open that bottle and finish my life. Oh what I would have missed. I fought with this disease for years. I tried to maintain a semblance of a normal life, but I had to work eventually and only the Lord could have given me the stability I needed. The hand of the Lord was upon me and He protected me, even from myself. I would not be here today if it wern't for Jesus. He has blessed my life so abundantly and in this blog I am trying to serve Him and to help those in need.
I know what it is like to not be able to fall asleep and rest. I would get up in the middle of the night and search for peace, but I couldn't find it. I'd read and study and pray and trust. I was so confused and couldn't find any relief. Sometimes things would smell so foul to me I'd have to go outside to get fresh air. I'd see the books moving when they wern't and I had a lamp with the 3 graces on the base of it and I would see the heads moving up and down even though the lamp was solid. I worked, even though I couldn't really apply myself fully to what I was doing. In the back of my mind, the thoughts of suicide still plagued me.
One day at work, I couldn't function. I walked to the lady's room and laid down on the couch. I was in there for quite some time and my boss finally cam and opened the door and asked me if I was alright. I told him I wasn't and that I was going home. He said ok and I left. I drove myself and I don't even remember how I got home. I eventually did, and went into my bedroom and just laid down on the bed. My Mom came in and asked me if I was sick. I said yes, and she left the room. I don't know how long I laid there, but I was unable to fall asleep. I didn't go to work for 3 days. I told my Mom some story that wasn't true to explain why I wasn't going to work. She believed me and said no more about it. After 3 days, my boss called my Mom and asked her where I was and what was wrong? She told him the story I had made up and he told her that that wasn't true and that I had been acting strangely at work and that she should take me to a doctor.
That was when I found out what my disease was all about. I was diagnosed as Schizophrenic and put on medication. I didn't say anything to the doctor when he told me I was mentally ill. I just looked at the floor and didn't say anything. He was a Christian, and even in that God was looking out for me. I saw him for a good number of years, but when he told me that reality was what society had set up and I needed to face it, I decided I didn't need to see him anymore if that was His idea of reality. I grew during all this time and began making my own decisions. I eventually moved out of my Mom's house and got my own place. I bought my own car, paid my own bills, and the semblance of a normal life was apparent to all. I even got to the point where I enjoyed my job and got awards and had ideas for improving my daily job to the point where I got a monetary award for it. I had enjoyed knowing my doctor, but I couldn't accept the idea that anything that man had constructed was the ultimate reality. I beleived in a higher power that ran the universe, and the things of mankind seemed foolish to me. The Bible says that man's wisdom is foolishness to God. I believed that.
I had had hopes, once, of falling in love, getting married, having children, but I was 28 years old and felt like that had all been just wishful thinking on my part. I had continued to pray about things, and was good to people I worked with. I applied myself at my job because that was my source of friends, and had given me the means to move away from home and get my own apartment. One day, a young man came to work there, and I thought he was from Data Processing or something. He was very handsome and pretty much kept to himself. One day, we all found out that his great grandmother had passed away. He wasn't at work that morning, but he came in in the afternoon and worked anyway. That should have clued me in to what type of person he was. Eventually we started talking. One day it was raining and I was going out to the lunch wagon. He took off his coat and put it over my head, and I turned around and looked at him. He said, "it's raining" and I thought what a nice person he was.
One thing lead to another, and we dated and had fun together. One day, he said we should get married and I could have a baby! I was floored. I told him I was too old for that, but he told me that we didn't have to have a marriage like the ones we had grown up with. I was so touched and after break time, I told my best friend I was engaged. Here I am 36 years later, still married to him, still in love with him, and God blessed our marriage with 3 wonderful kids, and now we are the grandparents of 7 children that are smart, beautiful and loving. God does miracles even today, but we are too blind to see. He promised me once, that if I'd put Him first, He'd give me the desires of my heart. He wasn't kidding. I guess I had done a good job of listening and learning, and He fulfilled His word to me.
This story may not mean a lot to you, but God took me from near-suicide, to being a fulfilled person with a wonderful story of God's love to share with the world. I am doing that. God truly is love. He loves each one of us more than words can say, and He loves you too. You need God in your life. There's not one of us that is an island unto himself and doesn't need anyone. There are many pitfalls in life. Many paths that lead to destruction. But the Bible tells us of that. It says that "God made man upright, but he has sought out many devices!" We like being lead astray. We follow the crowd rather than think and do for ourselves. My Dad gave me some really good advice once, he said don't follow the crowd. Be your own person and think for yourself. I took his advice to heart and I have many rewards for following my heart.
So, the verse above means a lot to me. I have done my best to follow what God has taught me over the years, and He said that I would reap 7 fold more of everything I had left behind to follow Him. My rewards are all around me and I don't have room to receive it all!
If you have dreams, commit them to God. Ask Him for His help, and follow his advice and direction. The Bible says, that the way is so simple that even a fool can find it. Love is the key. Love thy neighbor as thyself. The first step is to learn to love yourself in a healthy way and then to love your neighbor and all mankind as you love yourself. God is present in all of us. We are all vulnerable to the things that are in the world to lead us astray. You have to dedicate your life to the one who knows how hard life can be. Follow Him. He will give you the peace that passeth all understanding, and will reward you with His love and compassion. God is generous with His love. He want's all to come to repentance. None of us is without sin. None of us is an island unto ourselves. We are here to help one another. Let your service begin today and lay the groundwork for what God can do in your life. His righteousness is available for all of us, and only God can help us change the way things are in the world. Decide to live a life of service to others and your life will be full of meaning. God loves you. Trust Him today.
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